Sara's room.

I've been posting and mainly reading, on a lot of blogs lately. Maybe I'm bored, maybe I want to get informed about stuff, either way it passes time and informs me - and is sometimes quite interesting.

Here I can rant a bit. It's less rude than ranting off-topic elsewhere.

I've had two people from an organization meant to socially help mentally ill people. While I'm not technically mentally ill, I might need their services with regards to employment (or returning to study) and being more social. They were surprised that I knew, in very detailed ways, what I was doing, why I was doing it, and that I wasn't blindly rushing through.

They weren't too surprised at my appearance or name, or maybe they hid it (very convincingly). It doesn't really matter. The fact is they were pretty nice and helpful.

I'm downloading two tons of anime as torrents. I wonder how long it will take me to watch it all.

I really am not :P well, except on forums.

I post on MWMF boards of all places...way to get depressed. I post in other places too, but they *all* seem slowed down now so meh. I post on Topix sometimes, way to bash the bible-bashers, it's fun to rant against stupid people sometimes.

So this is my return to my livejournal, hopefully.

So a recap of last year, it wasn't all that eventful.

I kept on hormones all the time except at one point in June where my HRT doc decided to put me on 1 mg estrace (waaay too low), so I could say I didn't have any at that time. Two weeks later I was at my family doctor and convinced him to continue my HRT dosage and make things right. I convinced him to add a progesterone too ^^.

I'll be seeing an endocrinologist soon enough. Hope it goes well. I'm not sure it will, but I do have HRT for 3 months now, and I see him in a week.

I'm still 'officially' single, though I'm with someone online. Not sure if it will go become something 'real', but that's the plan, for both of us. He's in Alberta for now (and me way over here in Quebec province). Hope he can come soon.

Otherwise, no new clothes except a few t-shirts and pants bought at charity, no fancy Garage clothes like last year. No money to buy loli either. I still have my dresses, one plastic-wrapped so it won't become dusty or fade in color.

I have a real bed, not a futon :P and now I have 8 plushies to put on it, 1 from my guy in Alberta, the others I found or bought cheap, they're all cute. I sleep cuddling his though hehe.

I met my family a couple of times this year, the last being January 1st, for New Year's. While most everyone tolerates me, acceptance still seems a far away thing, at least accepting me for who I am, not for who I looked like before. I'm still treated as a guy by most of them. And it's not a passability issue, no, it's cause they've known me for years and years pre-transition.

I've had a few interesting things over the summer, like I first saw a guy naked, and it wasn't an accident, heh. Other things too, like fetish-related, I won't go into details. Let's say I'm more quirky than I look like. That's what I tell people anyway hehe.

I have lots of uncertainties about the future, and even the present. Lots of unresolved things.

For my living arrangement, I'm unsure about what's going to happen, my #1 choice is to stay here or move if my mom does...but here's what could happen:

-I'm allowed to stay here, following concessions and counseling with my mom...possible, not the most likely.

-I go live to a communal house/center for depressive people (can stay for a year maybe). It's in Terrebonne too, not too far...but you'll understand it's far from what I'd say is best...

-I go live to a communal house/center for mentally ill people (can stay for up to 2 years maybe), not only for depression. It's in Mascouche, just north of Terrebonne. This is the one option I'd really like to avoid if possible.

Going to live in an apartment is not really an option considering my current income.

I'm considering to go return study at CEGEP and then university level, I'll be admissible for student loans...which will give me better income, but I'd still prefer to live with my mom and contribute more financially and otherwise, than to move elsewhere and be lost.

Besides that, I was refused in the government program for gender identity. They're pretty harsh with a refusal rate over 40% and they don't search very far before saying you can or can't join their program (which is a bit sucky in itself as well).

If they had known I had already started hormone therapy, I wouldn't even have had an interview...but somehow they didn't really notice (probably they thought my breasts were fake heh).

According to them, believing in reincarnation, or in biological/neurological causes to gender identity disorder is a sign of being almost psychotic. Hmm sure, if I was really psychotic I'd go see them lol. NOT.

Anyway, not being part of the program means electrolysis and surgery won't be covered by the province, I'll have to pay myself or find another way of paying.

Speaking of electrolysis, I'm looking for a place that does it without charging too much. I heard there was a school of electrolysis in Montreal that charged pretty cheap (compared to commercial rates), but I don't know where it is.

Believe it or not, I *still* haven't received my karyotype test results...I'll call this morning at 9 or 10 to know if they have them. It's been 6 months and 9 days now since having that test taken.

Being intersex is yet another motive for refusing someone in their program (government), but at this point it doesn't even matter. I know someone at the café in Terrebonne who could refer me to an organism that fights for trans rights and that could even help me for my name change (finally be able to change it would be nice)...

Anyhow uncertainty about...
-where I'll live in just a few weeks?
-electrolysis, where and how much?
-name change, possible or not and how?
-returning study, where and how to get student loans or another program's financial help (welfare is not enough) for CEGEP 2 years and university 4~6 years?
-loneliness...guess I fixed myself for this one? I mean it's probably partly my fault that I'm lonely...but still...doesn't help the rest anyway, to be alone (depression, anxiety)
-karyotype results?
-funds for surgery eventually? (orchiectomy and genital reassignment surgery)

Well I'll stop here...but I hope at least some of those I can find an answer to...

Sara~

Yes some new things happened in my life, not on the TV news.

Well first is I received my loli dresses on Monday, same time I also got my petticoats, what timing heh. So I'll be able to wear them tonight to L2. I'm not wearing it right now, I have some things to do first, like my nails, and I'd hate to stain the dress with nail polish.

My mom had some talk with me this morning, there's a good news, and an ominously bad news...

Good news: I don't have to pay rent as long as I stay here so I can get more money saved up...

Bad news: I can stay here 3 or 4 more months, and then I have to go. This would be a bit before 2007.

If I dont spend anything I can save 400$ a month easy, enough for doing electrolysis, so that's pretty good news too. But it's going to be urgent to find someone to do electrolysis on me too. And a place to live in 3 or 4 months as well.

My computer still needs to be fixed as well.

Well aside from that, I'm pretty eager to go to L2 tonight in my new dress. It'll be my first time in public in a dress, and in a loli dress too. Lots of first times recently it seems.

Well I'll write a bit more later maybe, now I have to start on my nails if I want it to be dry by 1 pm.

Sara~

J'aime mieux celle-là. Le pire c'est qu'elle est plus récente que les 2 autres, et que je m'attendais pas à être prise en photo - aucun gars dans le top 10 :P

Heh je l'ai essayé avec 2 photos différentes. L'une date du 28 juillet 2006 et la deuxième date de décembre 2001.

Mon ordinateur a décidé de ne plus fonctionner...je verrai si je peux y faire quelque chose, en attendant je peux utiliser celui de ma mère, mais ya pas mes trucs dessus.

Yes, the shoes I got today killed my feet. They hurt badly all the way to L2, and I knew they would hurt just as much going back.

To add to the hurt, I was unable to walk any other way than on my toes. Walking on my heels induced sharp pain and I was simply unable to. I already did walk like a girl, more weight on the toes...but not ALL weight on toes. It sure put a strain on my legs too. When I got home I felt I had over-worked my legs, they felt all-drained. Not too bloody feet, but definitely bruised, I was only too happy to remove them shoes.

The evening went well. I met Alex at Place-des-Arts at 6:38. I was surprised she was there early. We talked a bit and waited to see if anyone else was to come. No one came and so we left at about 6:50. We were at L2 at about 7 I guess (I left my watch home >_>).

I said hi to everyone, ordered some fries and tried their chocolate bubble tea as well, simply great ^^

I let Clara play in my hair and put clips in, and then later my ribbon as well. It was fun too.

I had some time to talk with Alex and Ariane and I did too. I then picked some clothes Cllara was throwing away, some were pretty cute things and I'll probably wear some of it down on Saturday when we go shopping.

I only ate fries over there so I made it up by eating a bowl of cereals (can't cook much at 2 am without waking up/annoying people). I feel better too.

Well I'm probably going to relax my legs tomorrow, they definitely need the rest from today, so do my feet.

Hoping everyone can make it on Saturday. We still haven't picked on a time.

Sara~

Well it's been a little while since I posted in my journal.

I've been talking some with Alex, Clara and Josi mostly over the past few days. I haven't been doing much. I've done some reading, and attempted to play Star Ocean 3 a bit, I've watched the online shops and checked my emails, wee what great things lol.

I barely ever get emails that are from real people, ever. I sometimes get the odd email from family, usually informal rather than anything else "we'll have x thing happening on y day", and even that rarely happens. Then I have 'business' emails, like emailing stores/sellers about products or info, but I'm not their friend and they aren't mine...

I get spams from many sources, and a constant stream of emails from my yahoo group, which I barely read half of now. Most of it doesn't concern me the slightest.

Well an update on how Saturday went for me. My father was expecting me in a skirt, so he didn't jump at seeing me (he drove me to the family thing too). We got there early. Since I didn't sleep Saturday morning (I did try for most of the night), I had time to prepare well before they got here; I took a bath, shaved whatever little I had anywhere, dressed myself, ate some cereals, put some make-up, brushed my hair, and off I was when they came. They came just about noon.

The ride was uneventful, it took exactly 90 minutes to get there, and we took a different way than we normally did. I talked with my father and his girlfriend, the topic was mostly me, but I had been readying myself for that. They mentioned watching the movie transamerica and wanted me to watch it. I gave it some thought, but I'm not sure I will. Watching movie, especially alone, isn't really my thing.

I asked about her daughter and why she wasn't there, something about her going to meet her father and it just happened to be that weekend. Oh well. We talked about me and transition, not many things were said as we already had discussed most of it. I told them how long the name change would take when they asked.

They didn't believe I was as passable as I claimed to be, and wanted me to go soft on the people over there, saying I was born Michel but becoming Sara...but in my mind that just didn't sound right. It would sound right if I'd say: "I was born with the name Michel, and now I'll petition to change it to Sara, I've however always been a girl where it counts and I'm changing the body to match."

My father's girlfriend noticed I had breasts and asked if they were due to hormones or fakes, well I don't wear forms of any kind, so it's all mine, even if small.

Eventually we arrived, it was 1:30 pm, we had stopped for gas, but not at any other time. We were the 3rd to come, so I guess we were pretty early. We stayed outside a while talking with the others who had come earlier than us. I figure most people there had seen me before, as Michel that is, but some were new. Three new people I had not seen before were amongst the first guests also. I did not present myself and instead just stayed besides my father, spoking on occasions. Eventually one of them asked if I was his (my father's) daughter. I smiled and said yes, and inside I was grinning. I passed right in front of my father ha, that should make him reconsider about me.

Many other guests arrived as time went by, most of them knew me one way or another and were 2nd or 3rd degree family on my father's side, that I rarely see (mostly I see them there every year). If asked I presented myself as Sara, they all seemed to know about my transition and few said anything, most didn't mind or say anything about my wearing a skirt, which helped me get over my anxiety.

I eventually met some kids I hadn't seen much of before and sat near them. I talked a bit to them. Eventually the younger one asked wether I was a boy or a girl. So I had fun explaining everything about transition, how it went, why, everything, I didn't get too graphic and didn't mention SRS other than a surgery without describing it. In passing I also mentioned lolita and described it best I could. It was a nice chat anyway.

I worried for a long while about which bathroom I'd use, eventually I took my courage and asked my father's girlfriend. I just told her I didn't know which to use. She said to use the girl's one, and she even offered to lead me there. So I went, and other times I'd need the bathroom I went there too, if only to wash my hands. It felt rather normal after just the 3rd time I went, no one threw a fit or seemed to mind. They've known me since birth and I certainly never seemed perverted in any way, so I had that on my side.

I had a talk with my youngest aunt. Talked about a lot, about being a girl, hormones, skirts, dresses. And yes in passing I mentioned lolita dresses too. She probably liked it in her youth, but considered herself too old now (she's nearing 40). She said it sounded great I was so interested and we talked some more about many things.

I also talked with my godmother, who is my father's aunt (or my grandmother's sister-in-law). I had a few words with her daughter also (who is my father's cousin). Talked about the same thing I did with my aunt I guess, but it got a bit more personal. I seem to trust her more about things, even though I see her only once a year or so...I also explained what lolita, especially sweet lolita was, and got the reaction I expected too, she thought it was because I didn't have it in my childhood that I felt it was missing from my life. This really is part of it, not all of it, but the rest even I don't know fully.

The evening ended and we departed at around 10:30 pm, we did have a lot of fun there anyway even if I spent a lot of time on my own. There's not a forced end of it, but usually by midnight the ones staying are fewer. We went back and talked some more in the car, I was feeling pretty sleepy. I mentioned the dresses I'm buying to my father's girlfriend, she said I could send her an email of it (which I did). Her reply said she liked it.

Well that's about how it went. It was uneventful and not many were even surprised to see me as I was. I didn't know as many people would be knowing and it was for the best that they did.

Next is the guy I dated 3 weeks ago now. We dated on July 31st, August 1st and August 3rd on my birthday, he mentioned wanting to invite me to his place eventually, and that made me nervous and anxious. I didn't call him until the 9th where we talked about meeting on the next weekend at his place, the whole weekend. He later made it known he wanted me to sleep over too...that idea I didn't really like. His plans mostly crashed on Saturday evening when he'd try everything to get his car battery going to no avail, and he had given back the second helmet for his bike to it's real owner who sold it and was left with only one helmet. So he had no means to pick me up...he eventually suggested I go by bus, at midnight, take the last bus at 1 am. I already didn,t like that idea of going out so late and with no options of return until the next day, what he suggested next made it even worse...

I said I couldn't go tonight, but wouldn't mind coming on Sunday afternoon so we could pass the day. He really didn't seem to like it, as he revealed the prime point of me going over was sleeping there...that turned me off right there.

He eventually made plans to have it redone this past weekend. Knowing of me going out on Saturday he said he would take Monday off and have it Sunday to Monday...I had been thinking about it all for a while, and came with my intuition saying it was too dangerous and unsure he really liked me for me...I didn,t have the heart to call it off or give some sort of explanation, I also can't lie if my life depended on it...so I chose the coward's way and just didn't say anything. He didn't call as he doesn't like to call here (I'm not the only one who could pick up the phone). I didn't call either. He contacted me on MSN...but I ignored it. This is also why I'm listed as away on MSN even when online. I really don't know what to tell him...but I think he got the hint somehow. I'm really sorry for doing this to him...but I felt telling him I was afraid of being raped and didn't feel he really loved me as harsher than silence.

Hmm other things...I emailed in the starlight's shop to know what was happening with my order, since I'd missed they charged 4$ extra shipping to Canada. The response came rather quickly, saying it had not mattered and had been shipped on last Friday, should take a week to receive it. Fanplusfriends told me my dress would take 8 days to send, on the 21st, so when I wake up tomorrow it should be 6 days left.

I'm eager to get it, and the petticoats, but I also have to worry about getting shoes, which I'm supposed to go shopping for on Saturday. By pure coincidence, as I went in town today, I bought a copy of Samurai Warriors (Sengoku Musou in Japanese), and backtracked to a shoe store just a few yards away. I went in, looked at their selection, only the mary-jane look-alike shoes drew my attention. They were black though, but very cheap. I need white ones, but I don't mind getting black ones now, especially since it could give me something to go with my skirt tomorrow too...so I'll go back there and see if they have it in my size, if they do I'll wear them tomorrow evening. Now I'll just need socks to complete my outfit, maybe a headdress eventually, but I don't know for sure now.

In the last few days I had Clara come and say she was anorexic and I guess it put me on the spot. I can't deny it really, I do have it too. I should gain a few pounds, at least close to healthy weight. Can't say I'm angry at Clara, because I'm not, it just made me realize something important. So I thank you instead.

Well, a very long entry here isn't it? Hope I don't have that much to say everyday lol. I should write more often...

I just read the cutest and most touching story I ever read.

I can't even stop crying now because of it. It's so beautiful...

01. I miss somone right now.
I miss being with friends at all
02. I watch more tv than I used to.
No
03. I love olives.
Not really
04. I love sleeping.
I prefer staying up late and chatting with friends.
05. I own lots of books.
Mostly mangas heh
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
No
07. I love to play video games.
Some yes, console RPGs mostly.
08. I've tried marijuana.
Some years back, yes I did, but stopped since.
09. I've watched porn movies.
Did not.
10. I have been in a threesome.
No
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
No real past relationship, not applicable...
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
Unable to lie, yes I do believe honesty at all times is best.
13. I have acne free skin.
Not yet, hormones are helping ^^
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
Who is that?
15. I curse frequently.
Depends why, not much.
16. i have changed a lot mentally in the last year.
I didnt change, i've let it out <- That applies to me too
17. i have a hobby.
of course, more than one <- same
18. I've been told I have a nice butt.
Funny but yes lol.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
Hmm no.
20. I'm really, really smart.
Nah, overrated :P
21. ive never broken sombody elses bones.
never <- same
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
Not anymore.
23. i love rain.
Thunder storms ^^
24. im paranoid sometimes.
At times yes, not as much as before though.
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free.
OF COURSE <- same too, SRS
26. i need money right now.
No but I'd like some heh.
27. I love sushi.
I never tried...but I'm not too fond of seafood in general.
28. I talk really, really fast.
If I'm hyper ^^
29. i have fresh breath in the morning.
Not really.
30. i have semi-long hair.
Very long hair ^^
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
Haven't been to Las Vegas.
32. i have at least one brother and/or sister.
3 brothers, no sister, so yes.
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
Canada
34. i shave my legs.
AND MORE <- same
35. I have a twin.
No <- same
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
the fuck? <- same lol
38. I like the way that I look.
More now than before...
39. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
Hmm, not really.
40. I know how to do cornrows.
Hmm, no.
41. i am usually pessimisstic.
i'm optimistic <- same
42. i have mood swings.
i do <- same, hormones make it even wilder haha
43. I think prostitution should be legalized.
Hmm, no.
44. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
Bah, overrated, she's not cute.
45. I have cheated on significant other.
No, I haven't.
46. I have a hidden talent.
Yes hehe
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
just a lil bit of suger is enough for me <- same
48. I think that I'm popular.
Somewhat.
49. i am currently single.
Yes.
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
Define same sex, I'm ambiguous now lol.
51. I enjoy talking on the phone.
I HATE THE PHONE <- same
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
no <- same
53. i would rather shop than eat.
Yes I would rather shop no doubt.
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
???? dont understand <- same
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
Hmm, no.
57. im obssessed with my lj.
It seems I'm obsessed reading my friend's LJ more than mine lol...nobody seems to read mine.
58. I don't hate anyone.
I don't really.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer.
Not too good, not much experience.
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
No idea.
61. im completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
not at all, she not even as crazy as me <- about same
62. I have a cell phone.
No, used to.
63. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
Certainly not.
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
Never passed out from that. Very rarely drunk.
67. I have never been in a real relationship before.
Partly true
68. ive rejected someone before.
Not sure.
69. i currently have a crush on someone.
Not sure
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Enjoy it, that's my way. <- same
71. I want to have children/a child in the future.
Maybe I could adopt...
72. I have changed a diaper before.
Yes I have.
73. I've had the cops called on me before.
no <- same
74. I bite my nails sometimes.
i used to <- same, before I grew them
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
no <- same
76. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
i'm not allergic at all <- same
77. i have a lot to learn.
yes <- same
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
Unsure heh, probably not.
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
???????????? <- same
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex but only when I fancy them.
I'm very shy to begin with <- same
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
Pretty much
82. i have at least 5 away messages saved.
No
83. i have tried alcohol before.
i did, but what does it matters <- same
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
no <- same
85. I own the "South Park" movie.
no <- same
86. i have avoided work or assignments to be on xanga or livejournal.
no <- same
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
Hmm no
88. I enjoy country music.
Not really
89. I love my best friends.
no i hate them, duh? <- lol same
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
It ain't bad, but pricy.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
no <- same
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
???? <- same - I dont know what they refer to. I can be perfectionnist, I dont know for the others.
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
............... you have to sink low to do that, loosers. <- same
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
dont care <- same
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
no <- same
96. halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
Hmm, I'll see, this year...
97. i watch spongebob and like it!
eeeewwwwwww <- same
98. I have dated a close friend's ex.
no <- same
99. I'm happy as of this moment.
Meh, I guess yes.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
No, I haven't
101. Had a crush on somebody you've never met.
yup <- same
102. kissed someone you knew you shouldnt.
maybe <- same
103. I play a musical instrument.
Don't know
104. i strongly dislike math.
i like maths <- same
105. im procrastinating something right now.
yes, my sleep
106. I own and use a library card.
no <- same
107. i fall in 'lust more than i fall in 'love'.
no, i dont
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
YARK TABARNAK DE DEGUELASSE TEST DE MERDE <- lol, I agree
109. i think the lord of the rings is one of the best things ever.
It's good, there's more to life.
110. im obsessed with the tv show "lost".
what is that? <- same
111. I think Beyblades is the coolest show in coolsville.
Meh
112. There are more things i could be better at if i tried harder.
probably <- same
113. Sometimes i dont like food.
I'm difficult, but more willing to try new stuff now.
114. I worry sometimes that I'm not being the best friend I could be to the people I care about.
A lot.
115. I desperately want people to respect me but it rarely and it sometimes happens.
Some people respect me as i respect them <- same
116. I have never been able to say something positive about myself and truly mean it.
no <- same
117. I am bisexual.
Probably <- same until proven wrong
118. I think scottish accents are very attractive/awesome.
dont care <- same
119. I could spend an entire day on the computer with the occasional potty & food breaks.
i often do, i even skip the food breaks sometimes <- I'm guilty of that too.
120. I think George W. Bush is not only a horrible president, but really annoying as well.
George W. Bush could die tomorrow and it wouldn't really change anything, the whole system is corrupted, they would replace it by another one <- I like that view, I guess it's true too
121. I have never been this happy with my life and content in this skin.
i'm not <- not completely...so I agree
122. I have no problem downloading mp3s for free.
we should? <- heh, same
123. I adore scarves.
Hmm, I don't own any.
124. I'm a total lit nerd.
no <- same, I'm geeky at times, but not nerdy :P
125. I have a severe coffee addiction.
YES lol
126. I like classical music.
i do, i like game soundtracks of rpgs <- great ^^, I do as well
127. I have a LiveStrong bracelet.
No heh
128. There are times when i feel lost and hopeless.
That's spelled m-e-l-a-n-c-h-o-l-y, I know all about it.
129. I own a credit card.
I dont but used to
130. Im obsessed with horror movies.
no <- same
131. I love disney.
yes <- to a point, yes
132. I can be really, really blunt sometimes.
i can be blunt <- stubborness is a side of me as well
133. I never sleep well unless there's someone of the opposite sex in the bed with me.
Nah, I sleep alone usually (like 99.9999% of time), and I'm fine.
134. I like to spend time by myself and feel suffocated if I spend too much time in peoples company.
Depends who, but real friends? Never suffocating.
135. If I were rich, I'd like to have the biggest record collection in the world.
I would do something else with that money <- haha, yes
136. One day i'd like to own my own record label.
No, don't care, unless it's to satisfy question 135 lol
137. I think Geeks are the best kind of boy.
no <- same
138. I watch the O.C and love it.
???? <- same
139. I am so obsessed with music people can taste it.
no <- same
140. i have green eyes.
WHAT DOES THAT MATTERS? <- I don't care either, but mine are blue.
141. i usually don't tell anyone anything.
I'm surprisingly open (surprises myself)
142. At one point in my life I went to camp and loved it.
No
143. I've liked someone for more than two years, and been called a 'stalker' or 'obsessed freak'.
no <- same
144. I think half the questions up there were very stupid.
VERY <- I agree
145. I'm afraid of being alone. of being alone forever, like nobody is left on the planet,
yes <- loneliness IS a scary thing, I agree
146. My bed is never made, and I always sleep with at least one stuffed animal.
its not always made <- same, and I do sleep with a stuffed animal
147. I have had a body part pierced.
Yes ears
148. I always wear a watch.
often do <- same


THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: (this is real life?)
1. Sara
2. Sara Melissande Zeal
3. Sara Melissande Lacombe (real future name)


THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Sara Zeal
2. Schala Zeal
3. Janus Zeal (yes, some time before)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My hair <- same here
2. My eyes
3. My innocence

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Being anatomically male
2. My chin
3. My voice (I hate it less, but it would be the next I guess)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. My imagination <- same
2. My naivete and innocence
3. The will to live, never give up <- same

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Being followed <- same
2. Growing up <- same
3. Stupidity

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Friends
2. Love
3. Coffee!!

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My nightie
2. panties
3. bra

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Sarah Brightman
2. David Bowie
3. Avex trax

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. It changes everyday <- I must agree

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Dresses!!
2. I dont know
3. A new hairstyle

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. Care <- same
2. Open mind <- same
3. Love <- same + trust

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I dress up like a women for entire days <- make that months then yes
2. I wish I could look like my avatar <- I sure wish haha, my avatars are the epitome of cuteness ^^
3. I could live the rest of my life with my present body <- same here too, couldn't live as a male

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Cute face <- yes same
2. Long hair
3. Cute legs/arms and overall

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Detransition
2. Work another manual labor job
3. Eradicate stupidity in the world

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Gaming
2. Chatting with friends lol
3. Writing texts and poetry, reading.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Change of gender magically. <- I wish too >_>
2. Be able to sleep
3. Have Alex check her LJ more often...

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Psychologist
2. Japanese-english or french translator
3. Modeling (ok I'm kidding :P)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Japan
2. Japan
3. Japan

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Melissa
2. Julie
3. Emily

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Change of gender <- the better term would be sex, gender is mental, sex is physical characteristics
2. Go to Japan
3. Know true love

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY
1. Dont know
2. Dont care
3. Meh I took it ^^

I did Clara's game in her journal, fun ^^ Anyway I'm posting it in mine too.

1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.

2. Run a google image search on that word.

3. Reply to this entry and post one of the pictures from your search, but don't tell me what the word was until I ask.

4. Put this in your journal and I'll reply with one for you.

Well, it's already been three days since my last post, hope I'm not falling into my not-posting habit again! So here's a post to prevent that hehe.

The doctor appointment on the 14th went pretty well, had nothing to complain about. Got my (medical) form given to my doctor, he'll fill it out and call me when it's ready (I'm surprised it isn't already). For my right foot, he checked it and didn't really say anything or prescribe anything, he just said to leave it alone and stop the medication I was already using (it freezes, thus burns, the foot). I'll see how that goes, I hope it goes away >_>

On another note, I went to L2 tonight and met Clara, Josi, Alex, Ariane, Julie and others. Lots of people, I was a bit shy and more daydreaming because of it. Too bad I don't have something to take pictures myself, everyone seemed to except me! lol

I wasn't dressed in lolita, since I don't yet have anything, but I had my white skirt (I like it still), white camis and green t-shirt (it's stylish anyway). I'd rather have more dressy shoes going in a skirt, I feel awkward in a skirt and running shoes.

Clara seemed to be in awe at me, surprised me some I guess. She's pretty good-looking herself, I don't see what she could envy me, besides maybe my hair lenght. Her hair seems in pretty good health and pretty cute to me anyway. There's reasons for me to envy her even. Her voice is so soft and nice, I wish I had such a voice.

She also tied my long white ribbon to a ponytail she made with my hair ^^ I didn't know if it would be too long (the ribbon is 44 inches long), but it was just fine really. It slipped some on the way and when I got home, but it held up for quite a while and it wasn't even tightened (I wonder how it held so long, most of my hair ties don't lol, they all slip >_>).

Well I don't have anything planned up tomorrow or Friday. I'll have to decide what to do about Saturday, and I'm anxious about Sunday and Monday.

Tomorrow, I might call my dad or more likely my grandmother (she's the one who would come pick me up for the family day), and ask her some things. If I go or not to it on Saturday will mostly depend on what she says.

Friday, well so far nothing, might take the opportunity to get a haircut, I've been post-poning it for months lol.

Saturday, depends how my grandmother feels about me dressing as a girl there.

Sunday and Monday, I'm supposed to go at my boyfriend's house and sleep-over there. I'm not entirely sure how it will go. I'm positive he will probably be disappointed since I will not allow anything he would think of. I'm not too much of a prude, but I don't want to be too hasty, and I'm not too enthralled by the idea of losing my virginity.

We've already discussed this partly. I guess I was sort of vague though. I don't want to be too forward and I might 'take things as they go'. That doesn't mean I'll have sex (of any kind), and that might be misunderstood by him. I don't know what will happen of it...

Well I guess I'll have time to think about it later until then...

Sara ~

I set my sights on buying two dresses I saw online, very cute ones ^^

A bit pricy I guess, since I'll also need other things with them, but I don't mind, it's all worth it!

Hmm, not much else has happened during the evening. I have my doctor appointment tomorrow morning...or afternoon, neither would matter much, I'm just more used to an afternoon appointment...so I guess I'll go to be there at noon...have nothing else I plan to do tomorrow either...

Sara ~

Well this is my first entry, first time posting in a journal in a long while too I guess.

I don't have a lot to say I guess, today's been pretty bland and boring. Ethernet cable failed me a bit earlier, making me anguish for an hour about when it would decide to reconnect...before I took things in hand and used another cable.

I do love chatting up with my friend on MSN and yahoo when I can, they liven up my day ^^...but I realize I don't do much outside chatting as it is.

I'll post again later, I'm not too inspired now...

Sara ~